On the second of January 2021 I was admitted to hospital with what turned out to be heart failure. The wall between the lower chambers had a 2cm tear it. On admission they conducted a quick operation to insert a supporting balloon into the heart, then on the 5th there was a major operation to open the chest and heart and patch the tear closed.

Not quite the “goodbye to a generally rubbish for everyone 2020, let’s look forward to a new year” I’d might have anticipated.

After some time in intensive care, by Monday 11th I was on a general ward and discharged on the 18th.

While some events are clear some, particularly concerning the second operation are not. Disjointed and fragmented experiences with a poor framework to structure happenings. The same is true of emotions, they are jumbled and partially adrift although to date there seem to be few strong feelings other than recognising that there is now a rather unexpected but doable road ahead. The largest missing emotion is that of potentially dying. The condition and operation has apparently a 35% mortality. I’m comfortable with statistics, and I logically understand there has been essentially a coin-toss on my life. I’m aware there were many factors improving those odds (non-smoker, exercising, moderate weight etal) But that’s all it is, emotionally it’s just a big empty white room. I don’t feel shock nor gratefulness on those odds. Perhaps there never will be a reasonable way to process them.

What I do know is that beyond some immediate practicalities life cannot just continue as before. I’d been searching for a lifestyle change for some time and I think this just accelerates the desire to rebuild a different life. There is no new existential revelation having, I think, thought through such points many years ago, more a case that the truths I hold have perhaps come into sharper definition and a greater urgency injected.

It is going to be a challenging 2021 on so many fronts.