So after some major heart surgery with a real chance of dying (and not) the question is does it change anything?

Part of me would love to report a desire to raise millions for the NHS or something. I’m always rather envious of those whose lives seem to be consumed by a singular goal, the fierce purpose and direction it seems to give. But no, that’s not me.

It seems the biggest impact comes onto the things that were already evident in my life and invests them with urgency. While conceptually I’ve always understood the injunction “Lord, teach us to number our days” lying immobile in intensive care with people dying around you makes those numbers seem a lot more real.

It also feels like it has made me a little bolder, less willing to stay quiet. More inclined to “why not?”

I’ve more interest in doing things with and alongside people. Our interactions with others are what we really leave behind, a tangible aspect of our lives. This is quite a difficult one for me, being easily discouraged in this area, but as covid restrictions come to an end attention to a social life is going to be needed. I’m also minded that this hospitalisation won’t define me although I can’t ignore it’s a major event with repercussions for the rest of my life.

So, the practicalities…

I want to be more creative. Regular painting, and aim to win the local art competition. Get the graphic novel ideas onto paper. Do something with all the stories and novels in my head or in notes.

Find a way to do things I’ve enjoyed like archery and pottery again. To travel and explore, maybe even find a way to live (and earn) elsewhere.

Use all that technical expertise to get software built, I’ve gigabytes of projects started, ideas explored. I’ve always wanted to build some cool and innovative games. Because I can.

And this while making some income, I’m not in a position to avoid that for ever! But I feel more inclined to do things I like and be less worried about the longer term, which as demonstrated by the heart failure, is less certain than any of us might think.